Life.

Why does life have to be so hard? Why can't it be easy and full of happiness all the time? Because life isn't life without the heartache and the pain. Life is like photography, we have to have the negatives to develop into the person we want to be.

Everything has just hit me all at the same time and it's just so much to handle sometimes. Lost my job due to going out of business at goody's family clothing, lost my boyfriend due to lack of happiness on his part, moved back home to st.louis and living with my parents, in the process of going back to college, and leaving all my friends behind in warrensburg, missouri. IT ALL CAME AT THE SAME TIME AND PEOPLE WONDER WHY I AM NOT MYSELF. TOO MUCH TOO FAST.

I'm sorry that im not myself. I'm sorry that i'm heartbroken. I'm sorry that i'm falling apart. I'm sorry that i cry so much. I'm sorry that you are my weakness. I'm sorry that i wasn't good enough for you. I'm sorry that i quit school for ONE year. I'm sorry that i don't make you happy. I'm sorry that i'm not physically attractive to you anymore. I'm sorry that i'm not the love of your life anymore. I'm sorry that i'm not the woman of your dreams. I'm sorry that i'm not as confident as i used to be. I'm sorry that i've gained weight. I'm sorry that you are the love of my life and that you are my world. I'm sorry that i've given up on love. I'm sorry that i don't have enough ambition as i used to have. I'm sorry that i didn't try hard enough in college. I'm sorry that i'm so stressed out. I'm sorry that i don't smile as much anymore. I'm sorry that i miss you so much that i can barely breathe.

But i will be back to my old self.

Watch me.

heartbroken but breathing,
Kessica

Broken by Lifehouse
The broken clock is a comfort, it helps me sleep tonight
Maybe it can stop tomorrow from stealing all my time
I am here still waiting though i still have my doubts
I am damaged at best, like you've already figured out
I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing
With a broken heart that's still beating
In the pain, there is healing
In your name I find meaning
So I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on
I'm barely holdin' on to you
The broken locks were a warning you got inside my head
I tried my best to be guarded, I'm an open book instead
I still see your reflection inside of my eyes
That are looking for a purpose, they're still looking for life
I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing with a broken heart that's still beating
In the pain (in the pain), is there healing
In your name (in your name) I find meaning
So I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin'),
I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin'),
I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin')
I'm barely holdin' on to you
I'm hangin' on another day
Just to see what you throw my way
And I'm hanging on to the words you say
You said that I will be OK
The broken lights on the freeway left me here alone
I may have lost my way now, haven't forgotten my way home
I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathingwith a broken heart that's still beating
In the pain(In the pain) there is healing
In your name I find meaning
So I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin'),
I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin'), I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin'),
I'm barely holdin' on to youI'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin'),
I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin'), I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin'),
I'm barely holdin' on to you

Why do people do the things they do?

Why? Why? Why?

Why do men make it so hard for women to trust?

Why do women have to be back stabbing bitches?

Why do men cheat around on their wives/significant other/girlfriends?

....And the fact of the matter, why can't those BITCHES keep their hands off of your MAN? Leave our men alone and get your damn own. Can't you understand that? Fucking bitches.

Is it because they don't know how to keep their penis in their pants? Or because they just want a piece of ass? Or is it because they feel like they need to have sex with other women other than the person they already have? Or is it because they find an easy ass slut who will give them a fuck just because they need it because they can't get a boyfriend?

I don't understand some men and women.

They're fucking stupid.

Fuck it,

Kessica

::Feelings::

**Picture of me & my daddy -- summer 2008**








I don't understand why people have to be so hurtful. I don't understand why people can say one thing and do another thing. I don't understand how someone can keep a promise and break it so easily. I don;t understand why people do the things they do. I don't understand why people lie and cheat and steal. I don't understand why there are so many people who stay with someone who they don't care about. I don't understand how someone can stay with someone they don't love. I don't understand why people stay with other people even though they are cheating on the person...why not just leave them and get it over with...but no, they just have to mess around?

defition: n., pl. peo·ple. Humans considered as a group or in indefinite numbers; A body of persons sharing a common religion, culture, language, or inherited condition of life.

......p.e.o.p.l.e......they can make you feel like shit. They can be mean. They do not listen to you and they think that they know ho you are feeling just by looking at you. People think that they know what isbest for you, but the only person who can determine what is best for you is yourself. People say harsh things. They don't think before they speak and therefore can hurt your feelings. Then there are people who still say something that they did think of before saying it and say it anyway in spite of being mean and do not spare your feelings because they do not care about others, but only about themselves. They can say you don't know what they are talking about even though they don't know what the hell they are talking about themselves. They don't understand you. They think they understand you, but they really do not know what you are thinking about. There are very few people who actually know me for me. Some people I do not trust people very easily. I have trust issues. I've always had trust tissues because i have not had anyone who i can trust with all of my heart besides my parents. I know that they are always there for me and they love me no matter what b/c i am their daughter and they raised me to be the person that i am today. I have always been very close to my parents because my parents and i are all each other have. I don't know what i'd do without my parents. I'm so lost without them sometimes and i get homesick after a couple of months without seeing them. It's pretty bad because i'm almost 21 and i still need my parents like i'm a 12 year old. Lol. :D I've had so many friends that say that they'll be there for me and do anything for me, but when it comes down to it they leave or bail out or do not care. They lose touch with me and they leave.


.....I don't know why i feel that i can't be close to any of my friends when they actually do stick around. The friends that i have that do stick around and motivate me and are there for me....i push away. I don't understand why i do this. Is it because i have trust issues? Or is it because i don't know how to be very close to someone other than my parents and boyfriend? I tell my parents everything...well almost everything (besides the things that i know would hurt them extremely) and i tell my boyfriend everything. I do feel sometimes that my boyfriend and i don't spend enough time together talking and having days or nights to ourselves and just being there for each other. I don't think we communicate as much as we used to....but that's probably because we've been together for over 2 years...and we can only talk about so much because we've talked about so much together that we run out of things to say. I love Caleb so much, but sometimes i feel that i'm not good enough for him. It seems like he's always looking for more and i can't give that to him. But i could be mistaken, but then again, i don't know because i don't ask.


I don't have many friends that are girls b/c they are backstabbing stupid ass whiny bitches who don't know how to keep their fucking mouths shut. I admit i have those kind of moments...but it only comes out when i'm around girls. Why is that? I mean, i love some of the girls that i've been friends with...but i've been friends with them since i've been the age of 6...so you know you can trust them. On the other hand...i do have friends that are boys...but we can't trust their cheating asses either...it seems that you can't be just friends with boys. Boys just don't understand that NO MEANS NO. Girls don't want to be your girlfriend, and no we don't want to fuck and no we don't want to kiss, we just don't want to be more than friends, don't you stupid boys understand that? Nope. Boys don't understand that kind of shit. I've read that boys can multi-task....but girls can. Could that be the reason? They can't think with their heart and their brain at the same time? But i just don't understand things sometimes...i've been very questionable and in doubt about a lot of things lately and i don't know where it's coming from. I need to stay away from girls...with a lot of extra estrogen in their bloods....and to add with that...testosterone too. Need a happy medium. :)


Feelin a little homesick,
Kessica

::My Promotion::

Sooo....August 21st....i walk into work....say hello to my boss and a co-worker, clock in....put my water in the breakroom fridge...walk over to my locker...and put my purse in it and then walk towards the front registers, but before i could get away

....my boss looks at me and says, "oh, i need to talk to you." I said okay and follow her to her office with this expression of "oh shit, what did i do wrong?" as i sit down, she says, "don't worry, you're not in trouble." Talk about a sigh of relief. haha. So she sits down, looks at me with her glasses sitting on the bridge of ger nose...and without saying a word tilts her head down and gives me this big smile.

Then she begins to say..."Kevin and i want to offer you the position in being a key carrier..."

I look at her and i'm so excited i say, "REALLY?" ....okay!!!!" It was one of the happiest moments of my life, b/c it took her almost a month to decide. Which was making me a nervous wreck, b/c i needed a full time job....BAD.
So i'm THRILLED about having this job. It's 38-40 hours a week. 9.00 dollars an hour...YES!!! NINE DOLLARS AN HOUR!!! :D

So basically...i'm a combo of a key carrier/department lead in juniors, petites, plus, purses, home, and magnolia spa. Which seems like a lot, but it's not too bad. I know juniors like the back of my hand....the only thing that is new to me is Magnolia Spa, which is launching in mid-September. So, it will be fun and something to keep me occupied (rather than sitting on my ass all the time & watching t.v. or playing on the computer, like i'm doing right now) and gives me money where i can save for L.P.N. school. :)

loving that they picked me,

Kessica

.Love.

When do you know when it is true love? When do you know that he's the one?



<3......when you realize that you can't live without him, no matter the circumstances; no matter how mad you get at him or upset with him, you can't get yourself to be without him....even the very thought of losing him makes you feel uneasy...because he is the only one for you. I've been with my boyfriend for almost 2 years now and i knew a long time ago that he is the one for me, but i realize it even MORE now that is definitely the one and he only one that i want in my life. I look at other people my age and i wonder how they can go day to day, going out and meeting new people and have a relationship for a couple weeks and then move on to a new person. I understand it's called dating, but come on. I realized that i couldn't possibly, or even enjoy doing that again. The meeting, the date, the getting-to-know-you , the whole shaaa-bang of the dating life again. I just couldn't do that because it seems so complicated to me now whenever i think about it because people who date around that are my age never want (or seems like) they don't want to commit. I mean yes, i'm 20 years old, but i'm old enough to know what i want i life and know how to satisfy my needs and wants. That's how you know, when you know that the person that you're with is the one you want to spend the rest of your life with, when you realize that you couldn't possibly live life without this person. Because he's the one who makes you complete and the one who makes you happy and whole within. No matter how angry he makes you, at the end of the day he's the one you want to kiss and the one you want to wrap your arms around. He's the one that you can't be mad at any morethan a couple of hours. He's the one you want to fall asleep next to every night and the one you want to wake up to every morning for the rest of your life. The way he looks at you and the way he makes you feel better just by coming to see you at work. The way he kisses you hello after a long day at work. The way he kisses you goodbye when he says i'll see you after work. The way he waits for you to get home and cooks you dinner. The way he is playful with you after a long day. The way he touches you in the middle of the night. Holds you close...holds you tight. The way he just smiles at you and makes your day. The way he says i love you when you need to hear it the most. The way he says your name. The nicknames you have for each other. The way he jokes around with you. The special nickname he calls only you. The way he carries a conversation with you. Whether it's about life, relationships, history, movies, music, school, jobs, gaming (halo 3), friends, daily drama, cars, sports, daily issues...etc. He has an answer for everything. He listens to what you have to say, but he will debate on if you are right or wrong based on his morals...or what he's heard or experienced. He is tall. He is handsome. He is smart. He has personality. He is stubborn. He is a procrastinator. He is outgoing. He is nice. He is moody. He can make you laugh until you cry. He is hard-working. He is loving. He is sweet...sometimes. He knows what you are thinking and what you are feeling just by looking at you. He knows your likes and your dislikes and knows how to push your buttons. But....he's perfect. His imperfections are overlooked upon and to you, he is perfect. Because his imperfections make him who he is and that is what you love about him. He's perfect in your eyes no matter what others may say or think about him because you love him with everything you are. He's your other half. He is the one.

Love like you've never been hurt,
Kessica

Grey's Anatomy Addicts

What is it about Grey's Anatomy that makes it so addicting? I mean i never liked the show until the girls i lived with in my hall at the dorms at CMSU made me watch it with them one day.

....five minutes later....

...it hit me. I was hooked.

I have been watching this amazing, most wonderful McDreamy, McSteamy, Bailey, Izzie, Meredith, George, Alex, Cristina, Burke, Callie, Addison Show....ever since. That's two years of my life, one hour a week with my eyes glued to the television where i find myself yelling at ANYONE who talks to me to shut up because....i'm watching Grey's Anatomy. It made me a cRaZy woman.

Thanks ABC....

For making this 20 year old have a higher level of vocabulary, be more sarcastic, and not take love for granted (oh...izzie & denny, making me tear up just thinking about it). It gives me peace a couple hours a week where i can cry, laugh, and be sad just for the hell of it.

Take care of your body because...it's the only one you'll ever have,
<3

Starbucks Baristas 101

Just a couple of reasons why Starbucks Baristas are better than your average mate ;D

1. Because we're used to whipped cream.

2. We make everything extra hot.

3. We know how to keep you up in the morning.

4. We won't fall asleep afterwards.

5. We know how to make anyone smile.

6. We initiate conversations.

7. We thank and worship you over and over, even if we know you don't deserve it!

8. Because even if sometimes it may only last 10 seconds, you know it's the best damn shot you've ever had...

9. No body grinds like we do.

10. You ALWAYS find Mocha, Whip cream, caramel or some other deliciousness on some part of our body.

11. Give you enough creme so you won't complain.

12. Because we stay fresh for an hour and only need 4 minutes to re-brew.

13. We will always give you stuff that you LOVE to slurp and swallow.

14. NO MATTER HOW CRAZY THE REQUEST, WE JUST SAY YES!!!!

15. If we don't give it to you like you want it, we'll keep trying until we make you happy.

16. When we're ready to give it to you, we scream for you no matter how many people are in the room.

17. If giving you what you want is too much for one of us to handle, we'll use our star skills and ask someone else to help.

18. We're all cross trained to work in any position.

19. Free pound a week.

20. Black and khaki would look great on your floor in the morning.

21. We can use both hands to multitask.

22. If you leave dissatisified, we give it to you for free next time.

23. We eliminate the need to do it yourself at home.


I hope that brought a smile to your face.

Live like there's no tommorow,
<3